Good at relationships? Or just at talking about them?

Not everyone who talks about the importance of relationships is good at relationships. For example, me. Here are a few confessions:

• I used to live with the assumption that I was better at relationships than most people. This sounds arrogant & utterly presumptuous, but it’s true that I thought this way.
• I used to think I could will a relationship into existence. By golly, if I wanted it to happen, I could make it so!
• I used to confidently spout off about books about relationships (& their authors, & their theses), & assumed this proved I was the ultimate friend.

Boy, was I wrong! After strutting through my 20’s, I sauntered into my 30’s only to discover I was incapable of forming the lasting relationships I longed for. It seemed inconceivable to me – I mean, I was a leader (of sorts), and the life of the party (I thought); how could I have any significant “relational issues” that prevented me from forming the kind of rich relationships I was so adept (in my eyes) at talking about?

I wish I could say that I found a silver bullet, but I didn’t. Instead, I found the beginning of a journey of self-discovery – often painful & confusing & embarrassing – that lasted a decade and a half. This journey led me to discover:

…I’m not Mr. Wonderful. In fact, I’m a natural born sinner who has no problem pursuing my own interests above all others. I needed to repent of selfishness & pride again & again. (This habit, I’ve discovered, is a necessary lifelong practice.)

…You can’t be good at relationships by yourself. A no-brainer, I know, but I’m a slow study. I needed to admit that pontificating about relationships is of very limited value, & that sharing life with others – opening my life up to others, & stepping into theirs – is where abundant life is experienced.

…Only God can give the gift of deep relationship. Be it a great mentor, a best friend, a spouse – any deep, enduring relationship is a gift from God, & you can’t conceive it by your own volition, only cultivate it.

I’m grateful for the people who endured my pompous pontificating over the years – God bless them, literally & truly, for showing me grace when I spoke so confidently about that of which I knew so little. “The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know”, says the Apostle Paul (1st Corinthians 8:2). Yet for those who did sow grace into my life, I am grateful. I now live life a little more humbly, a lot more gratefully – and much more deeply connected with others.

To be clear, it wasn’t me who figured it all out. It wasn’t even the kindness of others that opened my eyes – though their patient love helped sustain me as I kept searching. It’s that Jesus, the Good Shepherd, never disowned me while I wandered snootily around His flock. And when I finally admitted that “apart from [Him] you can do nothing” (John 15:5), I began to discover deeply satisfying relationships – with Him & with others.