I am introverted. (There, I said it.) I am, in the wisdom of my Creator, configured within in such a way that I get energy from time alone with myself to think, ponder, & rest. I am not saying that I, & people like me, are made to be alone; it’s just that we need time alone in order to give our best to others. (A great way to get some insight into introversion is to read a book on the Myers-Briggs Temperament Indicator, like Gifts Differing by Myers & Myers, or a book on introverts & introversion, like Susan Cain’s recently published Quiet.)
I have a friend, a good friend, who is deep, reflective – and extroverted; he gets energy from being & talking with others. Now again, I like people, & I like to be with people; I just need some cave time to process, with my head & my heart, what I’m experiencing with others. But I digress.
So my friend – I’ll call him “Dave” – is an extrovert. Here’s the rub: when we see each other, or connect on the phone, I get the impression that he expects me to more or less immediately call to mind the most important thing going on in his busy family’s affairs this week, & ask about how such and such is going. That may not be reality, but it’s how it feels.
My first response, when I feel this expectation, is to push back & judge. (Wow, you may be wondering; what side of the bed did HE get up on??) I mean, doesn’t Dave know that I can’t keep everyone I know front & center in my mind? Doesn’t he know how many people I’m trying to love well? Does he think he’s a VIP?
I need to respond, but I feel conflicted: should I prop up the illusion that his family’s affairs are front & center in my mind every day – & come off sounding like a nice, thoughtful guy? Or do I admit that I really don’t know what’s up with him & his crew, & could he update me, please? And therefore probably disappoint him? The former is phony, but seems to lean in to relationship; the latter is honest, but seems to push away. Like I said, I feel conflicted.
It feels – this is a new thought, today, so not thought through very well – it feels like extroverts have room for 500 wallet-size photos in their hearts, & I’ve got room for 20 eight by tens.
So here’s what I’ve come up with – one explanation, & one practical “tool” – to help me love well:
- Mark, get off your introvert high horse. You are not morally superior to extroverts. (Yes, in my immaturity, I’ve spent a lot of time there. I’ve repented.) In my introversion, I am wired for fewer, deeper relationships than my extroverted friends – but I am not automatically a “deeper” person; I have to enter into the give & take of authentic relationship, just like everybody else. There are shallow introverts, & deep extroverts.
- Here’s the tool: At the beginning of each encounter or conversation, ask myself, “What is the biggest thing on my friend & his family’s radar right now?” Then use my mental answer – derived in a millisecond – to lean into the conversation & my friend’s world. I don’t even have to get it right! I just use my quick little brain-google to find a bridge into my friend’s world. For the love of Jesus, & the sake of relationship.
“I am a friend to all you fear you… O LORD” (Psalm 119:63-64). By the power of the Holy Spirit, may it be so.